Dear Family, Dear World: The Thoughts Behind a Suicide

Read what drove my suicide attempt on
My therapist said something last session which shook me to the core. Normally my humor is very dark, very dry. Knowing this, she feels comfortable telling dark, sometimes morbid jokes. The subject of my blog came up and she said “Well hopefully nobody reads it and then goes and kills themselves.”

I think she realized pretty quickly that the joke didn’t land this time. She googled my blog and started offering me reassurances. I don’t think there is anything up here that would have that effect. And what it says on my sidebar is true: I don’t believe in trigger warnings. I am a firm believer first, in that triggers do not come neatly packaged and labeled; the worst triggers are always the ones most apparently benign, like a phrase said in passing, or a scent. Secondly, I believe, well actually I have observed that the internet is a place where anything can be, and is, posted. If you are so fragile that coming across something disturbing on the internet will cause you kill yourself, please, get offline and get into therapy.

That being said, however, I also know that hearing about other people’s suicidal ideations or past attempts can be a special sort of trigger for some people. So I will say this: This is a post about suicide. A real, albeit unsuccessful, suicide which I committed against myself. If you feel that reading something like that will set you off, please try a happier post or, if it’s really bad; if you feel that suicide is imminent, please trade your browser for your dialer and call the 24 hour National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255

If, however, you feel safe within yourself, and if you wish to gain insight into the mentality which drives a suicide, then continue reading.
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