What It’s Really Like To Love A Sociopath

Learn the truth about being in a relationship with a psychopath, no bettysbattleground.com

“Sociopath.” It’s a word that gets thrown around a lot. “Psychopath,” or the abbreviated version, “psycho” are used even more. People usually use these words to describe someone who they maybe don’t like, someone who has behaved in a rude or cruel way, someone who has harmed someone else, or sometimes simply someone who is exhibiting signs of an active psychotic disorder.

Most people don’t realize that psychopathy is an actual personality disorder, and not generally one characterized by psychotic symptoms. An actual “psycho” is not someone who is in psychosis-they don’t talk to themselves or fight with hallucinations. The term really refers to someone with antisocial personality disorder, which is marked by an inability to feel empathy for others.

Of course, no mental health professional is going to go around calling people with this disorder a “psycho,” or even a “psychopath” or “sociopath.” Those terms are considered colloquial, but they do in fact describe a real personality disorder that some people have. My ex boyfriend was one of those people.

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Here’s the big post disclaimer: The Ex has not, to my knowledge, actually been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. My therapist and I were recently discussing the difficulties in diagnosing a sociopath;  they are generally loathe to admit their disorder-or perceived personal flaws in general-so it usually takes a while to spot in a client.

I am also not a mental health professional. While in undergrad I took some abnormal psychology classes and read the entire DSM-IV (not the V..yet), that doesn’t qualify me to make a diagnosis. So this assertion, that The Ex is a sociopath, is based solely on my knowledge of the disorder and my extensive observations of his symptomatic behavior. That being said, I am fairly damn certain he genuinely has antisocial personality disorder. And for about four years, I was really, really in love with him.

Before I get to the “what it was like” part of this article, let’s do a general overview of the disorder, for those of you who may not know much about it beyond the everyday lexicon.

What is Antisocial Personality Disorder?

A personalty disorder, in general, is an inflexible (i.e: essentially unchanged by environment or circumstance) pattern of behaviors which affects thinking, behavior, relationships, and impulses. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder display the following behaviors:

  • Breaking social norms for their own benefit; this often includes breaking minor or major laws
  • Lying, manipulating facts, or other forms of intentional deception, often to avoid acknowledging personal responsibility
  • Impulsive behavior
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Disregard for others’ safety, choices, feelings, and general autonomy
  • Repeated irresponsibility and fickleness toward social, financial, legal, romantic, familial, or other obligations if it does not actively benefit them to maintain (for example, a sociopath could keep a job for a sustained period if he needed the income)
  • Lack of remorse for harmful or criminal acts

It can’t be diagnosed in children under age 18, though people with this disorder often exhibit troubling behavior during childhood, such as burning down a portable at their high school or middle school. I personally think more efforts should be made to identify sociopathy in adolescents; early identification could lead to early intervention, and caregivers would thus be better equipped to teach them how to integrate into society in ways they could understand. Maybe doing some Pavlovian style social training, or something.

How did these symptoms manifest in The Ex?

Are you in love with a PSYCHOPATH? Learn the warning signs from someone who has been there-on bettysbattleground.com

  • Disregard for social norms: The Ex was a major drug addict, with a special penchant for methamphetamine. Besides consuming drugs himself, he sold them to minors, spent a lot of time with minors, and had sex with minors. Beyond that, he was homeless, often sleeping and drugging in abandoned buildings, construction sites, homes that were being repaired, uninhabited apartments, and building hallways or lobbies. He was adept at breaking and entering. He stole and sold property, especially bicycles; he cheated profusely and often had multiple girlfriends while claiming exclusivity; and he verbally, sometimes even physically, abused public services workers, such as bus drivers, medical professionals, and police officers.
  • Deception: Any time he was arrested, he would lie to officers, lawyers, and judges alike. He constantly lied to me about his infidelities, claiming he “loved only me,” even while saying the exact same things to other women. He went so far as to actively maintain a romantic online relationship with his daughter’s mother, while impregnating me and making plans to marry. Often, he would lie about his drug use, even when I offered to help him. During our current custody battle he has lied in the face of facts and blamed me or others for anything he was forced to admit. I gave him the opportunity to show even an ounce of honesty, and he continued to deceive and deflect blame.
  • Impulsivity: The most obvious ways in which he displayed impulsivity, that I could observe, were through compulsive drug use, and promiscuous sex. He had unprotected sex with just about anyone, regardless of the risk to himself and others, or the personal consequences. He also engaged in random acts of rage, such as throwing sour cream on a friend of mine, or pushing all the plates and cups off of a table at a restaurant.
  • Aggressiveness: Strangling girls and women. Holding girls and women hostage in various locations for up to three days. Beating girls and women with open palms and fists. Rape. Biting. Threatening with knives. Verbal threats to kill, torture, and burn down property. Destruction of property. Abusing animals. That burning down a high school portable example I gave earlier? He claimed to have done that as a kid.
  • Disregard for others: The cheating, domestic violence, and theft pretty much cover this one. Besides these acts, however, he has also said hurtful things which show a general disregard for the feelings or lives of others. For example, insulting the bodies and appearances of people who considered him a friend or with whom he had slept with. He has also repeatedly abandoned and then re-entered or attempted to re-enter the lives of his children, partners, and friends, with seemingly no sympathy for the emotional havoc imposed by this touch-and-go behavior.
  • Irresponsibility: He has fathered three children that I know of, but has never actively parented any of them. He has no idea what real parenting is; his only involvement has been visitations, gift giving, and text messages; simple responsibilities which he abandons at his leisure. As far as I know, he doesn’t even attempt to see the child whose mother he never had a long-term relationship with.
  • Remorselessness: He refuses to acknowledge or genuinely apologize for his violence. Throughout our court proceedings he has intentionally re-traumatized me by victim-blaming and gaslighting; he even recruited his father and another of my son’s part-time caretakers to do the same on his behalf. Despite my diagnosis, which I have received from multiple providers, he insists he did not cause me to develop PTSD. His go-to tactics are denial, blaming others, and lying. He shows no remorse.

What it’s like to love a sociopath

I look back on my abusive relationship and I am baffled. I can remember how I felt and I can’t deny it: I did love him. But I can no longer understand why. He was silly to the point of being stupid. His selfishness was beyond compare. He was arrogant, entitled, and careless. I guess what drew me to him was his independence. I was a teenager. I liked that he didn’t conform to social norms; I just didn’t understand how far his nonconformity went. It probably also helped that he kinda looked like Kurt Cobain.

So what did it feel like? To love someone incapable of loving me back? It felt like absolute, utter desperation. Often, he would profess his love for me, then disappear for days. It got to the point that I was literally asking the trees if he still loved me, because I simply had no way of quantifying it. I’d imagine answers out of the movement of wind in the branches. Or, I would obsessively consult my tarot deck. Did he still love me? Had he just broken up with me without saying anything? Would he do that? Would he break up with me at all? I was obsessed-I’ll admit that, but I had been groomed into the obsession. He had taken a fourteen year old girl with no romantic interest in him and played a vicious back and forth with my self-esteem; skyrocketing it with declarations of perfect love, then completely destroying it, until I saw no place for myself in this world besides as his girlfriend.

Even when he wasn’t disappearing for days, I always lacked for something. I was fueled by desperation. Desperate for him to look at me without seeming like he was looking through me. Desperate to feel I was enough for him; pretty enough or sexy enough or just enough! Desperate to be able to rely on him when I needed him. Desperate to feel I could joke and play around and be myself without worrying I’d say the wrong thing and get beaten up.

My needs never mattered. Romantically, sexually, physically; not even on a basic level. He would come to my mom’s house and eat all my food. He reciprocated oral sex maybe five times in four years. I remember spending my seventeenth birthday crying on the couch next to my mom while I waited hours for him to show up and take me out as planned. When I finally gave up and went for a walk, I found him down the street, digging through a dumpster. My eighteenth birthday was even worse.

I hated women. All of them. Even my friends I secretly despised, because The Ex had turned them into competitors for his affection. His affection became the only thing I cared about, and it was something I could never truly get. Sure, he’d caress me or say the right words; he was pretty good at shows of affection, but I always wanted for true affection; the knowledge that I was beloved as I was, and without compromise.

Throughout the entire relationship I was plagued by anxiety and self-doubt. I never Age 15, when I first fell in love with a sociopath-bettysbattleground.combelieved I was pretty enough to deserve love. My eccentricities, which I once valued as parts of my unique self, became loathe. If only I were better at wearing makeup, or cared more about fashion, or walked better in heels, or had more experience with sex, or had more “normal” interests, or, or, or…The self-doubt was endless,and if he knew about it, he fed it. It was his way of controlling me.

I was his slave. I am not without shame when I admit this. He manipulated me, but he didn’t force me to stay. There were moments when I could have paused and noticed he was not who I so passionately wanted him to be. Part of the problem was my own obvious innocence, which he exploited. I was a child; I still believed in the inherent goodness of people and the world, as much as I said otherwise in fits of angst. When he admitted aloud to having raped a woman, I though he was telling a weird joke. When he said he wanted a slave, I never imagined he meant me. He was disturbed, but he was also charming. I should have suspected him, but I didn’t. That is what it’s like to be with a sociopath: Your worldview becomes so warped, you cannot tell reality from fantasy, or decipher the importance of actions versus words. Those four years were a labyrinth. Sometimes I still feel like I am trying to escape.

Empathy is crucial to healthy relationships. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a familial relationship, a friendly relationship, or even a business relationship, empathy allows us to recognize the inherent value in the other person’s feelings, so that we can negotiate a mutually favorable experience. A sociopath lacks empathy, and thus sees no reason to compromise his wants. He will only give if giving gains him something which he values more than what he is giving up. Because a sociopath ultimately values his ego above everything, he will never compromise it. That is what I saw in The Ex when we were together, and it’s what I see in him now, while we engage in this custody case.

Not everyone with antisocial personality disorder is a criminal. Another marker of the disorder is a charming personality, at least superficially. Many people with this disorder Learn more about antisocial personality disorder, and what it's like to date a sociopath, on bettysbattleground.comuse their wit and charm to further themselves into places of prominence within business or society. I can’t imagine a sociopath ever being a pleasant romantic partner, except perhaps to another sociopath, but they don’t all behave like my ex. I imagine that, as with any mental illness, the “bad” sociopaths, people like The Ex, ruin the reputation of the functional sociopaths. Are you a functional sociopath? Would you like to participate in a stigma fighting project? Please e-mail me: bettymama206@gmail.com

If you have ever dated a sociopath, or someone you suspect of sociopathy, leave your experiences in the comments.

I would also appreciate shares of this article-30 seconds out of your day would totally make mine! Will you share on a platform or two?

Thanks for reading. Til next time!

Is your S/O a psychopath? Learn more on bettysbattleground.com

61 thoughts on “What It’s Really Like To Love A Sociopath

  1. It would be very difficult to love someone that biologically can’t love you back. I wish it was something you knew about before you started dating him! I agree that antisocial personality disorders should be able to be diagnosed at a younger age. It could help prevent so much heartache down the road.

    • I am sorry Idk how just to add comment but I am living with a sociopath rn. I honestly don’t know how I am still with him. I wanna leave God knows I do. He has sucked the life out of me. He has my self-esteem and self-confidence so low I don’t think it exists. Idk when we fight what’s real what’s not bc he says I am delusional and I am just scared truly scared bc I apologize for everything all the time nothing is his fault. Sorry I need to start a blog of my own. Ty for this blog it made me feel like I am not alone.

      • I’m so sorry. Everything you have described sounds like my life with The Ex. It’s truly a nightmare. I understand how scary it is to both stay and to leave. Please know you’re not crazy. You’re not alone (feel free to reach out anytime–I usually check Twitter daily @elizabethbrico). You deserve better. I hope you are able to get the resources you need to leave, but I understand why you haven’t yet. That’s not your fault either; none of the abuse is your fault.

    • Sadly at a young age those behaviors are considered a behavioral disorder and not psychopathy until further down the road because of child development

  2. Firstly, hats off to you for sharing this and being so open about your experience. It has to be one of the biggest challenges and personally, I think it would drive me close to the edge not knowing what to count on or expect… I wish you happiness and love 🙂

    • Yeah, I mean his violence was extreme. Empathy doesn’t mean, you know, letting yourself be the person’s punching bag! You’re totally right. Though the irony here is having empathy for a sociopath means having empathy for someone who doesn’t have it for you…which I guess is a true test of empathy!

    • True, Jessica, but I think the exception is definitely abuse. I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for leaving him, even if he does have a personality disorder. It’s not as though he has made any attempt to seek treatment anyway.

  3. It must be so difficult to love someone with this disorder. I have sympathy for anyone dealing with this.

  4. This is a really informative article. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you. It would be so better if those disorders would be easier to spot on and help those people to better integrate in the world.

    • Thank you. I agree. A great problem is that people with this particular disorder often don’t seek help because they don’t feel they need it..the harm is generally to other people. Sometimes they seek help if they become totally dysfunctional or just keep getting arrested, but even then, they like to lie and blame others. It’s hard to spot, like you said, and even harder to treat. I don’t even know what the treatment is! Maybe I’ll ask my therapist..

  5. Someone left this comment and I didn’t want to approve it because that would have given this person the ability to comment whatever they wanted whenever they wanted…but I was also (probably inappropriately) amused by it, so here you go! Also I was initially freaked out because the name of their boyfriend is a variation of The Ex’s name, so for a second I thought it was his girlfriend leaving me another weird comment, but nope. Just a weird funny coincidence!
    La comment:

    “After being in relationship with [redacted] for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: [redacted].com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. I CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: [redacted].com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM”

  6. Must be so hard to be with someone that you know will never love you back. Also, it might be hard to see the signs at first and you may try to convince yourself that it is all in your head. I wish you knew all these tips before you dating him. xx corinne

  7. Betty, you’ve gone through so much pain with this man. It’s unbelievable how he treated you and still treats others. I’ve never been in contact with anyone having that type of disorder, so I can only imagine how hard life would be once you’re in a relationship with the person whom you’ve described. Across the miles I send hugs and good energy to you and your child as you unwind this portion of your life and get things back on track. Hopefully he too will get the help he needs to live a life without chaos.

  8. So sorry you went through this. So great of you to share and help others potentially going through the same thing. I think it’s great that you sought therapy.

  9. wow to be honest, my son studies with a boy who has a very bad dissorder, he has an agressive behavior but his mother dont give him the medicine that can help him controll himself. Is a nightmare be around that family. I cant imagine what you went through as a girlfriend, because I in person have seeing how stressfull are people with a behaviour dissorder. Thanks for sharing, your experience is for sure helping others girls to be aware of that situation.

    • Thank you Violeta. I’m sorry your child is having to study with a child who has an untreated behavior disorder. I am sorry for that child too-he could have a chance if he would get treatment. Maybe my ex had a chance somewhere along the line too. Who knows?

  10. It must be so hard to go back and relive this experience but I hope that by writing about it, that it helps to heal you too.

  11. Yes, sociopaths are scary because they don’t necessarily exhibit outrageous behaviour. It is that lack of empathy behind the cold smile that disturbs me…. Wishing you well.

  12. What an ordeal to have to go through. I’m sure that you can see all the things now that you are beyond the situation, but living through it must have been so difficult. I wish that mental health issues weren’t so taboo so that there was more knowledge about them.

    • I agree Heather. Lifting the mental illness stigma would help so many situations in such a variety of ways!

  13. Even if he is a sociopath which I believe him to be I don’t have sympathy for him especially after the way he has treated you all these years. He did many unspeakable things to you but it is interesting to note how his patterns of behavior does fit the markings of a sociopath! x It was awfully brave of you to share and I am very proud of you xx

    • Thank you Ana. Your ongoing kindness and support is truly helpful. I agree-even if someone has a mental illness, if they are harming others and not taking any steps to correct the behavior, well..sympathy can only go so far. Plus, “mental illness,” when it comes down to it, is just a way people have of categorizing behaviors and symptoms. That doesn’t mean mental illness isn’t real of that those symptoms aren’t real! But…who knows…maybe APD is just a ways of categorizing terrible people. I know that’s an awful thing to say…and I’d really love for someone with APD to contact me and help with this stigma-project and prove me wrong about the disorder..but no one has!

  14. It must be so difficult to love someone with this disorder! But very brave of you for being so open and honest about your experiences!

  15. First – it’s super brave of you to be so open and honest about this. It obviously doesn’t compare but I loved a violent drug abuser for 7 years and it scarred me for life. I still struggle speaking about it, mostly because I am ashamed and there is still some self-blame.
    Katja xxx

    • Hi Katja, thank you so much for your reply. I disagree; I think it can compare very much..my abuser was also a violent drug abuser. He ascribes his abusive behavior to drugs actually; I don’t because I think the kinds of things he did went far beyond the scope of normal human behavior, on drugs or not. I’m a recovering addict too and I never did those things. The same may be true of your ex as well, who knows? Drugs change people slightly, but I think what they do more is bring out whatever negative traits are already there. We all have negative traits, or traits that can be negative; humans are inherently selfish for example. We are not all violent or sociopathic. I am truly sorry for your experiences. Seven years is a very long time. I hope you’re safe now? If you ever want to write about it here you can, or if you ever just want to talk about it with someone unconnected..you can always message me <3

  16. I am nearly 2 years into a relationship with a man I feel may have APD. During our relationship he has kept in touch with women that he has had sex with un his past. One of them living downstairs in his mom’s house with him and his mom. I have expressed how much it bothers me that he insist on staying friends with all these girls. He claims he is faithful and gets mad when confronted and tries to direct the arguement in my direction and acuse me of the things I hsve accused him of He has been caught in multiple lies over and over. He never takes responsibility for the things he does that hurts me .Even if I tell him my feelings he goes again and does the same things that hurt humiliate, disrespect me. If we have a disagreement he will up and disappear .He has told people I have beat him up when I have never. He potrays himself as a victim to get things he wants wether it be attention money or drugs .He will make promises to family and friends and never keep the promise. He has worked 7 days since I met him in Dec 2017. He has been arrested in the past for theft , domestic violence , and drug related charges. His mother was an alcoholic who left him here and there as a child so she could go out which led to his grandparents taking him in. He has 2 children with two different women but has never been in his children’s life. I feel I have always been a convience to him but I fell in love with him and I wonder how when I can see how he treats me It’s now come to the point that I am always depressed, don’t socialize, no self worth .I hold in bc I Love Him and Hope that he will see his wrongs and love me and respect me the way I do him .I’m beginning to think that he had no conscience but how?

    • Hi Misty, I’m sorry to hear this. I’m not a mental health professional and can’t diagnose your boyfriend online from this description (nor should an MHP do that either), but it definitely sounds like an unhealthy relationship that is causing you a lot of pain. It’s possible his behaviors stem from his drug use, but even so, you have a right to feel happy, healthy and appreciated. I’m not going to tell you to leave him because only you know when that’s the right move, but I will say there is someone out there who will love you the way you want to be loved, and you deserve the chance to experience that.

  17. I’m sorry to say but I have been in love with a sociopath for the past 6 years and I can relate to your experience. I’m dealing with at this time ending things and attempting to find myself again. It has a been a horrific experience and if you see these signs in someone you are in love with get out ASAP.

  18. I’m very sorry to hear all the crap you went through, but I find this very interesting to read. I don’t know, my bf is technically a sociopath but he’s never really done anything to me, or manipulated me in anyway, or has made me feel bad about myself, and we both love eachother very much, plus he dislikes lying so, but does have a lack of empathy for some crimes and other things etc, so I don’t know what to think of this *shrugs*

    • Hi Chloe, thank you for leaving this comment. I’m curious what you mean about “technically a sociopath?” Was he diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder? Or are you saying that because he lacks empathy in some situations? Selectively lacking empathy doesn’t necessary mean he’s a sociopath; in fact, if he is not displaying the other behaviors associated with ASPD, he probably doesn’t have the disorder. We all have different values and ethical guidelines; having different ethics than the cultural norm does not, on its own, indicate a personality disorder.

  19. Hi, I just recently went through a breakup with my ex who I believe has ASPD or psychopathy. I know they have similarities. Anyways, thank god we werent together for a long amount of time. But 7 months was enough to almost break me. We broke up twice and each time he came back begging me that he would change and he loved me and he couldn’t live without me. And I took him back. However, this time was the last straw. I caught him in numerous lies. He wasn’t careful enough and I caught him. He had been lying about things since the beginning. Cheating and talking to other women since we started dating. And right now I just feel so hurt and deceived. I took so long to trust and I wound up letting him in. He begged me to open up to him because he said he would be there for me. He promised me a future with him. Kids, good money, a big house. Everything you could want. And I believed he wanted all of it too. Come to find out he’s dating others behind my back. I loved him and I truly cared for him and it hurts to think that he never felt the same towards me. He already tried coming back. Saying “I love you and I realize now what I’ve lost and I want to change for you, and go to therapy and get help”. However, I’ve had enough and I’ve heard him say this all before. All the effort I put into our “relationship” and he treated me like this. The moving on process is hard right now. I’ve blocked him on everything because I can feel that even though I hate him, I still want him to talk to me. Just trying to be strong at this point and move on with my life.

    • Oh my god were we dating the same person, because my ex has made literally the exact same claims. It’s soul-destroying, isn’t it? To find out the lies and the deception. It’s fucking traumatizing. I have anxiety every day over this.

  20. I am so sick happy I came across your website! While reading your entry on loving a sociopath, it was like I was reading about my life…minus physical abuse. I have been married to one for 32 years. I will follow u on fb, instagram and your blog. I too have PTSD, was only diagnosed 2 years ago. Gosh, I could go into my whole story, but so not necessary, for you,ve seen it all. Just from reading your writings, I want to thank you for giving me a total sense of relief, knowing that I am really not crazy. My husband has come a long way, but still has tendencies of reverting back. I love him still , but have no interest in physical love with him. I’m more a friend then wife in my book, but he still thinks of me as his wife. I tried to leave twice, but while doing so, he landed in a mental clinic because of it, and then the other time, for he was suicidal. Thank you dear new friend. I Found someone who really understands!!! 💜

    • Hi Patti. Thank you for leaving this comment, and I hope to hear from you again. I am glad that your relationship is starting to improve. I can’t imagine 32 years of emotional abuse. Please take care of yourself. It is possible for people to change; there is some evidence that some people with antisocial personality disorder lose some of the more harmful traits with age…but that’s not guaranteed. You need to place yourself first. You deserve love and passion and romance if that’s what you want! And you certainly deserve emotional, physical, and sexual safety. I understand you don’t want to hurt him. I really do understand that, very intimately. But you need to put yourself first…don’t forget about YOU.

      • Thank you so much,my new friend. I am recovering from a horrible break down the other day, with the help of my strong siblings…..7 of them, but mostly three that are really there for me.
        it’s always frustrating that i can not bring this up to him, for I know he has made great strides in changing his ways.
        Two years ago, I told you i was diagnosed with PTSD. 9 years ago, was diagnosed with Lupus disease. It has been a uneasy life for me, although i have been strong enough to continue to overcome my ailments, through God. HE is who strengthens me. Only two years ago, I had found out that my husband was with another woman back in 1987 for 10 months, hence the PTSD. He says it was so long ago, and despite the strides he has made, it is so fresh with me and I want more answers, this I believe will never happen. Why this women contacted me 30 years later is beyond me. She told me she was pregnant with twins that she miscarried, and that my husband knew about it. When I confronted him, he initially denied it, but then confessed. He did not confess about the pregnancy. At the time, I had just given birth to my first born. I have two other children with him, that are AMAZING, but had i known about this back in the 80’s, there would not have been two more children, nor a marriage continued. Sociopaths are so convincing with their charm and “innocence.” My advise to all of you out there, where it is fresh in your relationship, please get out before it is too late. Thanks for hearing me out. <3

  21. Thank you for this, I was stupid enough to stay with mine for 20 years, he was a drug dealer and had all these other women that he said he was just selling drugs too and he loved and wanted only me, we also had 5 children together which made it harder to leave even though my heart told me of his infidelity and his constant abuse and gaslighting. Than he took it to whole other leaves trying to strangle me forced sex and many other horrible things I have endured with him, now with the strength to finally leave and a crappy family court case and a criminal case for his abuse coming up these stories and learning about his disorder are really helping me, thank you for sharing

  22. I have experienced 6 romantic relationships, over the course of 15 years, with men who more than likely have NPD.
    They were all so different from eachother. Considering that my father likely has it, I have been groomed to be attracted to these Dr. Jekyls and conditioned by Mr. Hyde’s for most of my life.
    It has coloured my perception of everything. Self worth can be very low and depression clouds my success in life in every way. Sometimes I feel like a used up person. Lamenting over wasted years , having been tricked in to believing I was loved and that my best interests were at heart. 1 man in particular made it last 7 years with me. I finally surfaced from the embarrassment, control and dominance, with barely any of my 20’s left, a ton of depression, escapism and debt to follow me.
    What can I really say? You covered so many important aspects. All very relatable.
    This odd thing. APD… I believe it is the source of the worlds evil. If love is the balm.. then sociopathy is what bombs all good in this world. Like an incessant evil. That’s how it feels. And not to get overly philosophic, but, is evil real? And if so, how could this terrible psychological plight be anything but evil?
    Where does the line get drawn? What is good? What is bad? We dance on the edge of understanding and hope to conclude that society has shifting standards with which we should all comply with. Pain and destruction of what is good. To end this sociopathic rampage should be societies main objective. Yet somehow it is not. We are being led by these sociopaths. They sought power and they have it.
    This sense of hope and compassion we feel for eachother, between fellow victims, should be our first objective. Next would be to end the psychological war that plagues society and nature. Human minds are great, powerful things, capable of so much good.. and so much bad as well.
    The suffering of our planet and species, needs to stop.
    Thank you and all else for sharing and shedding light on this plight.
    I hope we all make it through together in “spirit,” knowing that we have empathy and love on our sides. ♡ As motivation for the fellow depressed out there. I see you. I love you. Let’s do something about this, together.

  23. I happened to find your blog tonight while searching for reasons and answers as to why my fiancee acts the way he does. He is clinically diagnosed with ADD and depression, which dont explain half of what he does.
    Hes manipulative, hes always the victim, even when he clearly caused the chaos. Nothing is ever enough, never enough sex, money, attention, etc.
    It’s always my fault. He threatens suicide at times for not getting his way. Hes self loathing to a point, causes physical pain to himself to feel better about what hes done or because he can’t handle the emotional pain. Hes caused physical pain to myself and others on a few occasions.
    He acts as though he cares long enough to get what he wants. If it serves no purpose to him, theres no reason to do it.
    He will ruin any good day I have just because I had the good day.
    He has a history of violence, self harm, drinking, drugs, etc.
    I am trying to get him the help that he needs, because like you did…… I do love him. We have a 2 year old daughter together as well. Getting him help is the worst because he refuses to see that he is the problem 😪

  24. I am currently dating someone with aspd and he doesn’t seem as rough as your ex but he’s definitely a little wreckless with himself and has a lot of terrible thoughts. I think the difference is he doesn’t act upon them when it comes to certain people. He seems to have a decent idea of what he shouldn’t do. He only respects people that give him a reason to respect them. Relationship wise he’s very sweet and protective of me in a healthy way but I can tell I’m definitely an odd exception. He doesn’t see consequences to his actions. I am currently hoping to work with him on just being nice to people and finding healthier…legal….hobbies that make him happy. (He drinks underage and he gets happy drunk, smokes despite the fact that he has bad asthma, etc. only things that seem to affect himself) Our relationship seems to be the only healthy thing that makes him feel anything anymore.

  25. I have just come to the end of a six year relationship with someone who I truly believes has aspd. From crime as a teen going on through adulthood, to being charming and intelligent, lack of remorse, lack of accountability, inability to see feelings in relation to actions, constantly in and out of jail or prison. I am still reeling from the pain, and even as it’s gotten more and more obvious that he absolutely does not care what he says or does to me, I’ve still been begging him to love me. But everything that happens is my fault, he has absolutely no accountability, nothing. I didn’t think he could hurt me worse but he found a way. I had told him he had to go. He had been living here but telling me we aren’t together and in every way possible , whenever given the chance, gaslighting and projecting and purposefully hurting me. The final straw, when I told him to go, he unbeknownst to me until they wanted to use it to hurt me, starting staying with and sleeping with my younger, drug addicted, narcissistic sister, who had used me in so many lies, scapegoated me for years, and stole from me and my children. I’m beyond crushed that either one could do this to me. It’s going to be very hard to trust anyone in the future. Or ever.

  26. First of all, thank you for sharing your story. Finding this page has been a tremendous help to me today. I am getting out of a super messed up on-again off-again relationship with someone who is 100% ASPD, and possibly also Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar.
    My ex did, I believe, *want* to change…but I truly don’t think he CAN.
    The lying, the manipulation, the threats, the name-calling, the victimization, the disregard for my feelings, the neglect, disappearing, bullshit excuses, cheating, addiction to meth. I think his awful childhood played a part, but I’m sure he was predisposed to this life anyway.
    It has been honestly traumatizing to go through this breakup. We still work together and live in the same building. I start feeling anxiety halfway through the day, knowing I have to go home. I hate seeing his car there, but I also hate NOT seeing his car and wondering where he is. A few weeks ago I came home and caught him with another woman.
    I’m dealing with so much hurt and anger. But I don’t feel so alone, now that I read all these comments about people who have, unfortunately, experienced similarly shitty situations.
    Can we start a recovery group, please???
    Sending you all love and the courage to stay away from these ghastly people.

    • Yes, a recovery group would be awesome! I am so sorry for what you’ve had to deal with. I imagine living in the same building as your ex is really uncomfortable and emotionally destructive. Do you have the means to move? It might help you move on. Since you’re broken up, he has every right to bring another woman over, but you have every right to not have it thrown in your face. I’m reading this as you living in the same building but not the same apartment, is that right? Different rules, I think, in the same apartment.

  27. Only someone who truly loves a sociopath could possibly understand, the trauma bond, the walking on eggshells the no matter how much you do for them, it’s never enough. How tired you get, everything on your plate, all your fault dont let him around your child they dont care who they use and if they can use twist and manipulate a child their own child to help them get what they want even if it means another person outside the marriage they will. Mine did introduced them as their mother, love of his life, bit keep coming back lying to me telling me I was crazy nothing was going on telling people i was crazy yelling, abusive, coming home starting fights while this other women told me to grow up as she lied straight to me sleeping with my husband because he had manipulated her so well, thos fights always ended up with me hurt, something being smashed, staples to my head, bruises where people cant see excuses I’m such a klutz. Protecting your children against the man the rages , ultimatums get help or I’m done to police charges to not working and me working 2 jobs to pay the Bill’s and keep everything running while he spends the money on his new shiney toy, telling me he didnt want any one else just his sexy wife I’m beautiful. Then caught 2am at her house just watching movies ya ok I’m not stupid get out…then the drama really starts the constant phone calls the manipulation to the kids the lies and crsps to make people feel bad enough to give me the phone to the cursing and swearing to the I love you baby I dont know what I was thinking I promise its over I love my wife but you worked too much it’s your fault you didnt give me enough attention you know I need attention. All lies just crap he told himself and then said child who call her mom sets on their own path to emotional abuse because they believe all the lies daddy told just as naively as the woman herself. Stab to the heart and while you’re at it please take every one of the knives out my back for all the lies you told. Friends telling him your heart wants what it wants it’s okay we dont mean to hurt people it just happens, hurt are you kidding me flying monkeys those who do his bidding and only see the mask I wonder if they knew the truth would they be supportive. Smear campaign that was fun, no contact still gets numbers. Forced into counseling by the court diagnosis anti social personality disorder 2 sessions and the crown pretty little thing she was closed the case. Promise to wifey I’ll keep going, take me back so I did I dont know what he had came and gone so many times I lost count nee fresh start it will be good counselling diagnosis, medication check check check. Child angry stirs pots grown man goes after own son for NO reason i take the brunt we all push back against him. You’re dead to me to you hear me you’re all dead to me to..im leaving let’s see you do this without me we only have it because its us together without me you will have nothing I’m out to I’m sorry i should have paused it will never happen again, I love my family I do just dont talk back to me do as i tell you…now there are no more cuddles no more love no intimacy just a toy for his satisfaction his pleasure dont say no it’s just easier to go along…never speak of your feelings never dare tell him that you are beyond lonely please let’s just spend some time together go for a drive, do what we did when you first came back when you were in counselling that has now stopped stop nagging me I dont need counselling….you’re the crazy one I’m not doing anything you havent held me in 6 weeks, so what I’m tired you work on your tools in the garage my back is sore, ya well you said ya okay when I left this morning maybe if you werent so mean to me I’d want to touch you. Finally getting nerve back what did I do nothing is what I did you’re picking at fluff blowing out your ass I give you everything and do everything you will not tell me otherwise not anymore…silent treatment….that’s the torture of loving someone with this disorder 10 years, and when you thought you had a way out that bond that PTSD held you there…so if you’re reading this which I hope it gets posted and you are only a few years in pick up a phone call a counsellor get help for yourself and dont waste another minute feeling unworthy because the moments of worthiness are few and far between. I love my husband I want him to get help but the more I see his monster I realize that’s the truth and that’s who he is the man I love the man I married that’s the figment of my imagination, that’s the mask he wears and he has one for every female he has ever been with, he gets to know your every secret your every want your every desire and he puts on the best performance of his life until he knows he has you. So please loving someone with this destroys who you are slowly and perfectly it being extremely lonely with the love of your life 2 feet away…you dont matter only of it benefits him. The I’m sorry are just words, even when I think I got through he understands it lasts more weeks before his own fantasy becomes reality and it starts all over. Leave I’m old now it’s too late…but if you’re 20 30 or 40 it’s not too late leave and hold fast. Because you’re just as important as him, your words matter your needs your wants your dreams MATTER and you might not be enough or worthy to him for more than 6vweeks at a time you are more than worthy, enough to YOURSELF.

    • It doesn’t matter how old you are or how long you’ve been together. It’s not too late. You too deserve better. You can leave. I know it’s hard. Really really hard. I know it’s a very personal choice and there are so many factors involved, especially now, during the pandemic. But there are outs…and you deserve that. Please reach out if you want to talk. @elizabethbrico

      Also, I am sharing a petition for the return of my daughters, who were taken from me essentially as punishment for having survived abuse. Would you consider signing and sharing it? https://www.change.org/ReuniteBricoFamily

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