Fiction Fridays: “Does That Work On Velociraptors?”

Fiction Fridays on www.bettysbattleground.com

It’s Friday! Which means it’s Fiction Fridays #5

 

When I initially published this on Friday the 7th, I wrote a long meandering disclaimer about how extremely stressful my week had been, and why I was posting a story I wrote a year ago instead of a new one.

But then, as with last week as well, I was only getting feedback on my intro! Nice and supportive feedback, yes; I do not want to seem ungrateful, believe me, but I have to be honest and say it’s had the opposite effect. It has made me feel sad and discouraged.

My abuse was severe. It was out of my control. It took over my life. I *need* support for it. And the amount of encouragement I have received in response to starting this blog has been overwhelming and humbling. I really, really, really don’t want you to think I am ungrateful.

The best way I can explain it is this: Fiction writing was my first love, before any abuse, before any romance with anyone. Posting these stories on Fridays is my small way of taking charge of my life and of making at least one day, in one small way, about something OTHER than the choices that were made for me, and instead about the choices I make for myself.

Having the comments on Fridays focus on my struggles and abuse is discouraging. Please, if you comment on a #FictionFridays post, please,please,please comment on the story. Come back to it if you need to. If you really never have the time, then at least comment on the prompt, or share the post somewhere that it can be read by potential entrants, and let me know where! It would mean the world to get some feedback related to my creative writing once a week, even though the other feedback is also important, and I know it comes from a place of kindness. I hope this makes sense and doesn’t sound too bratty…I’ll write more about it next week. Back to the original post:

Here’s the quick week in review for Betty’s Battleground:

On Sunday, I posted The S/O Challenge in which I challenged myself to publish ten reasons why I love my husband, during a time I was feeling annoyed and distant from him. It’s a great challenge and a great way to get over those small annoyances that always float around when you’re married, so I invite you to read my post, grab the snazzy badge, and join in!

On Monday I was super honored to post the second installment of “Tales From the Other Side” which was a piece about Trauma Informed Care, a piece by Sheila O’Donnell who is the site author at Parallel Dichotomy.

On Wednesday I posted 10 Simple Tools To Help You Stay Sober During Triggering Times, which I urge you to continue sharing, because it could be really helpful someone who stumbles across it. I know it’s helpful to me right now!

And now it’s Friday.

Before I finally share my story and next week’s prompt (please enter!), because I really do love featuring other writers, I am just going to share a couple new blogs with you. When you’re done here at Betty’s Battleground, show these new bloggers some love! If you’re a blogger, you know how hard those first few weeks can be (and months, oi, I’m still struggling)!

Dascha Buchannon was the Fiction Fridays #3 winner and also launched her writing blog last Friday. Super new! Check out DKBwritings

My MH Recovery is a new mental health blog that is only two posts in, but I already feel a strong affinity with the site author who refers to herself only as “A”(though we have only had a brief personal exchange via comments). I think this is definitely a blog to keep your eye on if you like to read mental health related stuff.

Connie wrote the first installment of “Tales From the Other Side,” which is a truly heartbreaking letter to her sister who committed suicide. She has been blogging just about as long as I have, and is the site author over at Essentially Broken, where she blogs primarily about the various uses of essential oils, but also about other life topics with acute clarity and insight.

Give those three new blogs some love! Blogging is hard! Help them break in!

Now, here’s the story and prompt. Tell me what you think! And don’t forget to check for the prompt and contest instructions at the end of the post!

Does That Work On Velociraptors?

Fiction Fridays #5 feature story: Does That Work On Velociraptors? www.bettysbattleground.com

Does That Work On Velociraptors?

It is one of those days when the sun dazzles across the waves and the sky languishes in its warm blue appeal.  Once upon a time, these were Angie’s favorite days; days when she would leave her shop door open, bask in the marine musk, and let herself be lulled by the sound of seagulls prizing in the distance, but now the smell that rises from the bay is that of gore and rancor, and the only sounds are the shrieks of constant human suffering.

Through her window Angie watches a Tyrannosaurus Rex demolish what is left of the pier.  She sees the speck of a military helicopter in the distance and wonders idly if they will get there in time to stop it from killing her.  Then she returns to the chore of inventorying her wares.

It is a needless task, which is the beauty of it.  Her stock has not changed in weeks.  Nobody is in the market for insect repellant or mouse traps anymore; those kinds of pests have either been predated into extinction, or just forgotten into invisibility.  Either way, if commerce still exists, it doesn’t for Angie.  When she counts her fifty-two cans of roach spray and her thirty-nine packages of SuperSonar Rodent Repellents, it is a meditation.

When Angie counts, she is transported.  She no longer lives in an impossible world where extinct beasts murderously roam.  When Angie counts, she is returned to the banal, comfortable existence of a shopkeeper.  When Angie counts, it is as though she has never heard of Niles Rickman or his team of deranged scientists.  There is no 70 million year wormhole ripped wide across the Cretaceous period, creating a passage for monsters to pass into modern times.  There are no physicists inching decade by decade across their ludicrous mistake, trying to fix it before humanity ends.  When Angie counts, her own wormhole opens, and she returns to the life where her house is not a ruins, and her son is not scattered bones sucked dry by velociraptors.

Angie is so entranced by her flypaper rosary that she does not notice the stranger.  She startles when two blood blackened hands thump, palms down, on the counter before her.  The feeling of fear is fresh and vital.  Angie feels the deadened lump of her heart strum inside of her, and the heat of living blood rush into her cheeks.  She inhales, exhales, breathes it away.  There is no place for life in her, not anymore.  By the time her gaze wanders up the leather clad arms and ambiguous torso to reach the face smirking at her, she has succeeded in replacing her fear with a now-familiar apathy.

At first Angie cannot tell if the stranger is male or female, but after a moment she identifies high, effeminate cheekbones sitting beneath scarred cheeks, and the vague mounds of breasts beneath the grimy leather jacket.  The stranger can’t be much more than five feet tall, and skinny as a kid, though the expression on her face makes Angie certain that her heavy, gore stained clothes hide wiry muscle.  Though her face is relatively clean, her cropped blonde hair is matted to her skull with blood.  She stinks, but who doesn’t these days?

Angie stares at the stranger.  She had wondered how long it would take for the apocalyptic marauders to show up.  When they didn’t, she figured everyone was too scared and weak and grieving to do anything, just like before the world ended.  Now this tiny, bloody woman with machete on hip and machine gun strapped to her back looks more comical than frightening.  What is she doing?  Putting on a show for the end times?  And, even stranger, what is she doing in this junk shop?  Hoping to buy (or kill for?) a relic from the times when the local vermin were small and domestic?

Angie doesn’t care.  She doesn’t care.  She doesn’t care.

The stranger’s smirk spreads slowly into a Cheshire grin, revealing teeth that are too straight and white for her gritty demeanor.  Angie laughs aloud.  If she is to die, better murdered by this B-movie phantom than by one of the monsters outside.

The stranger slides one hand across the counter and grabs one of Angie’s SuperSonar Rodent Repellents from their display.  She glances at it and lets out a short barking laugh.

“Does that work on velociraptors?” she asks, in a voice more fluted than the graveling menace Angie had imagined.

Velociraptors.  Her mind fills with their image. Barely two feet tall and covered with brown and white feathers, they had looked more like a group of strange birds pecking their way down the street than the lizard-like predators of the screen.  She had not recognized them for what they were until a scythe-like claw was hooked through Sammy’s chest.  Then there was the wail of an alarm as the raptors leapt across cars to fight for his flesh.  Then there was Angie laughing, laughing as her son died, because it all looked so fake, so poorly directed, like those bad horror movies Sammy was just getting old enough to like.  Dark, aortic blood fountained from his wound and his head lolled with dramatic grace while his eyes glazed into lifelessness.  As the velociraptors frenzied to feed, the night was torn open by the terrible lost innocence of the child’s death cry.  End scene.

“Hey, girly, come back.”  Angie is brought back to the present by an awkward pat on her shoulder.

“Isn’t it a little too soon for PTSD?” the stranger says.  Angie stares at her.  She gestures at the window behind Angie.  “Everything’s still going down.”

“I don’t care,” Angie whispers.  Tears sting at her eyes.

The stranger moves around the counter and swings an arm around Angie’s shoulder.  She lets Angie cry for a moment before she speaks again.

“Listen girly, Rickman’s dead.”

“Dead?” Angie murmurs.

“That’s right.  He and his whole team.  This horror show’s not going to be magically fixed.  Not that it ever was but,” she scoffs, “now everyone knows it.  Military’s not working out neither.”  She nods her head toward the window again.  This time Angie looks.  The blade of the helicopter can still be seen as the craft sinks into the water.  One lone soldier crouches below the beast, machine gun aimed and firing.  As Angie watches, the tyrannosaurus stomps him out of existence.

The stranger sucks in her breath.  She claps a hand on Angie’s shoulder.  “So how about it?  What do you say?”

Angie gawks at her.  “Say?   To what?”

“That’s a big beast for one person to take on.  Gonna need some help.  I got enough weapons and ammo, and we can definitely both fit on my steed.”  The stranger gestures toward the front of the shop.  Angie looks, and gasps.  How had she missed the giant, winged dinosaur, crowned by a red spotted crest half a foot tall, crouching outside her window?  It lifts a wing and leans its stubby beak to nip at an itch.

“You-you ride that thing?” Angie stutters.

“Yep.”

“It’s tame?”

“Sure.  Real sweet birdy.  Vegetarian,” she adds assuringly.  “And technically not a dinosaur.”  She wags a finger at Angie and grins.

Angie nods, mute.

“Listen,” the stranger continues, “It’s gonna be a steep climb to get up to that ‘rex.  All you  gotta do is take the reins while I fire.  The big ones go down quicker when you get ‘em in the brain.  You game?”

Angie laughs.  “No,” she says.  “Not at all.”

“You got something better to do?”  The stranger cocks an eyebrow. “Way I see it, you can sit here and wait to die.  That’s a fine choice.”  She shrugs.  “Or you can do something.  Humans, we’re not gonna be around much longer.  There are too many of these things and still more wandering through every minute.  But we can at least get some action before the end, see what I’m saying?”  She watches Angie for a moment.  “And after we get that ‘rex,” she continues quietly, “I know where there’s a nest of velociraptors to ambush.”

Angie looks at the stranger sharply.

“Raptors killed someone you loved, didn’t they?”

“My son,” Angie whispers.

The stranger nods.  “Me too. Not a kid, but…someone who mattered to me. A lot.”  Angie begins to listen.  “Killing ‘em’s not gonna make any of that better, but,” she grins, “it sure feels good while you’re doing it.”

The stranger extends her hand.  Angie takes it.  “Name’s Jules.”

“Angie.”

***

 Angie is startled by the beauty of the creature outside.  As she grips its tough red feathers to climb up its side and mounts the bull’s saddle Jules has refitted for it, she feels a thrill shock through her body.  The bird accepts its riders with the perturbed grace Angie remembers from horseback riding as a girl.  Jules squeezes it with her thighs and they climb into the sky. The bird caws.  It is answered by other pterosaurs wheeling in the glowing blue distance.

To Angie, they sound like seagulls.

The End

So there you have it. My cheat-story, which is also one my personal favorite pieces of flash fiction. Leave me a comment and tell me what you think.

Wanna know a fun fact? This story was inspired by an Amazon product comment. Seriously. It was. Do you need to get rid of a rodent or bug infestation? Try Ultrasonic Pest Repeller – Pack of 6 Pest Control – Electronic Plug In Repellent for Insects, Roaches , Flies, Ants, Spiders, Mice, Bugs, Non-toxic, Environment-friendly, Humans & pets safe! That’s an affiliate link..I don’t know if that’s the exact one the comment was on, but it was a comment on one of those thingys that inspired this entire story.

Here’s your prompt:
Read the full prompt and CONTEST ENTRY instructions on www.bettysbattleground.com #getfeatured #fictionfridaysIt’s a variation of found poetry, though your entry can be fiction, or poetry, or script format, or non-fiction, or hybrid whatever…whatever! First, decide on a genre and theme for your story. Mine was a post-apocalyptic dinosaur story. Yours could be a crime Western, or a robot romance (please write a robot romance).

Now, Pick a piece of random, banal writing. The postscript on a grocery receipt (thanks for shopping, etc), the instructions on the back of laundry detergent, the copy on a pair of shoes, an Amazon product comment (haha); you get the gist.

Use those exact words within your story, and shape your story around them. Use the genre/theme you selected, and find a way to make your banal found writing fit with it.

To enter, like my Facebook page, find the Fiction Fridays #5 post and drop your entry in the comments.

I look forward to reading what you write! Good luck!

I would seriously love some feedback on my story. I really like it, but it was rejected for publication from the place I wrote it for. What changes would you make? What strengths did you find?

If you enjoy Fiction Fridays, subscribe for updates by entering your info under “Join Betty’s Army” on the sidebar (or under the post on mobile view).

Shares, of course, are always appreciated. The more you share, the more likely it is I’ll get some entries this weeeeeekkkkkk…..it would be awesome if you could take a couple seconds to share this post on the social platform(s) of your choosing. I’ve got share buttons down there (look down) AND up there on the side (look up there on the side). Thank you 🙂

11 thoughts on “Fiction Fridays: “Does That Work On Velociraptors?”

  1. Wow, that was a lot. You really lay it all out there. Good for you to work through everything and keep moving forward. Here’s to hoping you come out the other side.

    • Thanks Drew…that’s nice of you to say. But don’t worry; it’s just fiction. I don’t really have a son who was eaten by velciraptors. No wormhole either, that I know of…;)

    • Thanks for the comment Anthony. I don’t think so. This is actually very short-it’s flash fiction! Would you mind telling me your thoughts on the ending? I love this piece but I was a little unsure about that very last sentence and the paragraph leading up to it, as it fit with the context of the rest of it?

  2. I’m sorry you had a tough week and I hope things turn around for the better. I think I know a few magazines and journals who will accept your story or any other writing you want to get published. I don’t want to spam your comment section with links so please feel free to check out the writer’s resources section of my website. The first post is about literary magazines and journals accepting submissions (link list), and submission is free. I am sure some of them will love your story. Wishing you all the very best with this journey.

  3. Hi guys! For anyone who reads BB but doesn’t follow us on FB (or who just isn’t glued to our every single post:
    The amount of support I have gotten on this blog has been overwhelming. I have received a lot of really kind and supportive comments. Even when I’m trying to grow my audience by joining in PR threads, the response has been overwhelmingly genuine and kind.
    I have PTSD from something which was done to me; something which I had little to no control over and which seriously derailed the life I had planned for myself, sometimes permanently. Getting support for that is priceless.

    But five weeks ago, every Friday, I began posting something that I did have a choice about. I have been passionate about writing fiction since I was a little girl. If you count telling stories aloud, I’ve been doing it since I could talk. I have always wanted to be a professional fiction writer. My abuse derailed that dream. It may have stunted it forever, we’ll see. But I am trying to take charge of my life, and my dreams, and for at least one day a week, have something BESIDES my PTSD define me. Something I chose.

    I know, I didn’t do such a great job explaining that before. And I know, I have a tendency to over-explain, and make disclaimers, and when people do that, the natural response of a kind hearted person is to leave a nice comment about it. But once a week, on Fridays, I would really appreciate feedback on that thing that I have held dear longer than my need for support has existed. I would like feedback on my story. And yes, that can be constructive feedback. I love compliments, but I love constructive feedback ever more, because it helps me grow. If you’re really worried about offending me (or any other fiction writer for that matter), here’s a legit tactic that you can use. It’s called a “compliment sandwich:”
    -say something you liked about the story, big or small.
    -say something you didn’t like or would change about the story.
    -say another thing you like about the story.
    That’s it! Super easy!

    So, to summarize this long, Betty-style comment:
    If leaving a comment on a #FictionFridays post, please respond to the story, not the intro. If you don’t have time to read the story, come back and comment when you do. If you truly never have time to read the story, at the very least respond to the contest prompt, or share this somewhere that will help it reach potential entrants, and let me know where you did.

    I’ll do my part to help this process by writing shorter and less detailed intros 😉

    Thanks everyone! I really, really appreciate it. I hope you understand that I am not trying to belittle your kindness or support of my triggering times. I know it’s coming from a kind place. I have just been getting zero to little comments on my stories for the past couple weeks, and those comments are having the *opposite* effect because they are leaving me feeling upset and discouraged.

    • Thank you Amila. I appreciate your feedback; it really means a lot to me that you took the time to read the story and leave a comment about it <3

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